this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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