when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
The air taste purple.
Randomize
