the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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