This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
