hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
