I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
