hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
