Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
