My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
