Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
