After last night, I could never be a politician.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
