Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
