ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
