tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
