Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I can text with my tongue
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
