I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
