My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
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What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a burrito and a hug.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize