no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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