my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
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I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
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I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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