Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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