You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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