I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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