I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
