For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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