The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
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That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
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I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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