Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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