I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
