chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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