Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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