People in love make me want to vomit
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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