girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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