these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
