This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
