Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I need water and some morals
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
