i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
