Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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