You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My ATM looks so different sober.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
