yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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