before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
