Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
