i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
