Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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