the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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