Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
