Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
