I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Randomize
