you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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