She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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