My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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