apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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