Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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