i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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