I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
