man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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