OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
