We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
