Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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